Roqueta Article - Reconciliation

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Reconciliation

The following article was originally published in the Autumn 2024 issue of Roqueta, Menorca's English-language magazine.

Recently, I conducted two funerals, on successive days, for two people who were 33 years apart in age. The younger one was just a year older than my daughter, Mandy. It was a stark reminder that mortality stalks all of us. There were, of course, numerous differences between the two, but one difference was particularly interesting. According to her mother, one of the hallmarks of the younger woman’s character as a child was that she had the gift of having rows or tantrums but getting them out of her system very quickly. She carried that ability to let go of anger into adulthood. She did not bear grudges. For the older one, I had been instructed to read ‘something silly,’ so I found a poem called ‘Pardon Me For Not Getting Up.’ It begins, ‘Oh dear, if you’re reading this right now, / I must have given up the ghost. / I hope you can forgive me for being / Such a stiff and unwelcoming host.’ When I came to the line, ‘Don’t worry about mourning me, I was never easy to offend,’ I simply paused before continuing, and a ripple of laughter spread around the church, because we all knew … well, the deceased would have been quite amused!

In the Bible, in the letter to the Ephesians, there is a verse that is quite well known: ‘Be angry, but do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.’ It comes from a series of verses that encourage telling the truth and avoiding destructive talk in favour of constructive ‘building up,’ to meet the needs of others. It is, in fact, rather good advice. Although it is not always easy to deal with what makes us angry, and although the causes of anger can seldom be resolved at a stroke, grievances that are not addressed tend to fester and amplify in the dark, rather like the mould on the damp, dark walls of untended houses in Menorca.

Of course, generalisations do not apply to everyone. A couple of decades ago, when I was preparing a couple for marriage, the subject of dealing with disagreements came up, and I quoted the passage from Ephesians. The groom recoiled: ‘I have to go away and think about things,’ he said, ‘quite often until the next morning.’ His bride-to-be concurred: ‘It’s true,’ she said. ‘It’s better to let him go away and reflect. Usually that results in reaching agreement and a more peaceful solution.’ I suppose that it was a case of allowing emotions and feelings to cool. Even so, for most of us, the sooner we reach reconciliation, the better.

The relationships that we forge in this life are one of the most precious gifts of life. After all, we are in essence the sum of our stories, and our stories are formed and shaped by our relationships. The writer Anaïs Nin wrote, ‘Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.’

But relationships require work. We are, inevitably, created as individuals and therefore we differ from one another. Yet ironically, differences can make us uncomfortable, or insecure, and so we seek to form connections with people who are like us - or, more realistically, less different from us. And that can be a mixed blessing, because it is the root cause of tribalism, which is one of the most damaging causes of the polarisation that afflicts our world today. So, ironically, an instinct that ought to bring us together has the shadow side of driving us apart. The tribalism that lies within us is real and will find outlets. If we do not acknowledge it and deal with it, there can be dire consequences.

For example, I came across these words from an American writer, Sam Kriss: ‘We are no longer comprehensible to each other; we inhabit different systems of signifiers, and all the mediating fantasies have melted away.’ That sounds rather convoluted, but in essence it expresses the idea that we are losing the ability to listen to one another and to learn from one another. So, for example, social media has turned political discourse into a game with the greatest rewards going to those who can most spectacularly bash their opponent’s head against the wall in front of a crowd of braying supporters. As a result, humanity has been reduced to a seemingly infinite number of bands of political tribes and sub-tribes, each with their own language and purity codes, each dedicated solely to the inflation of themselves and their in-group members as The Most Righteous. This does not help to make us comprehensible to one another.

To be open to listening to one another is to be open to learning, because no matter how difficult some of the relationships in our lives may be, they can all teach us something - even if it is to avoid making the mistakes of others.

This is why anger is such a difficult emotion to manage. It has its place, and a useful function, in our lives as individuals and in communities. Anger at the mistreatment of the innocent, or anger at violence that harms the vulnerable, can fuel the desire to speak out and to act. But uncontrolled anger can cause us to stop listening to one another, or even our own better instincts, and impair our judgement.

Since these thoughts were prompted by funerals, perhaps a good way to bring all this together would be to reflect upon our mortality, and ponder the potential content of our obituaries. Would we like it to be said of us that while not denying the very human emotion of anger, we knew how to manage and control it? Would we like to be remembered for valuing and treasuring the gift of human relationships, remaining true to our own core values, yet open to listening to others in order to broaden our perspective? Whether we realise it or not, we are in fact writing our own obituaries, one act, one remembered story at a time, in the consciousness of those around us.